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530 I got a phone call the other day from an old flame of mine. It had been years since we'd spoken and was great to catch up. We were getting on really well and she suggested that we should meet up "for old time's sake". I was well up for it, as I hadn't been getting any for a while. We arranged to meet up the following day.

Now, in truth I'd let myself go a bit over the years and so thought I'd come clean. I told her "I'm probably not quite how you remember me. I've started to go bald and have been indulging a little too much in the good life."

To which she started to giggle like a schoolgirl and then said to me, "Oh, don't worry! I've put on a few pounds myself!"

So I told her to fuck off.

531 A man had been married to his wife for twenty years. As time had passed, his sex life had naturally deteriorated but now it was starting to get him down. No longer could he make his wife orgasm.

One day, the man decided to do something about it so he went to see his doctor. The doctor suggested he add a little romance back into the relationship - a nice meal, candles, mood music and the like. The man was skeptical but, that evening, he gave it a shot. He really pulled out all the stops but, when he came to the bedroom, there was again no action from the wife.

He went back to see the doctor the next day. The doctor was disappointed the trick hadn't worked but told the man not to worry. The doctor suggested he try again but this time get a young Adonis-like man to stand beside them and waft them with a towel. At first, the man didn't like the sound of it, but the doctor persuaded him to give it a go. He found a number for a male escort agency and arranged for their top man to come around that evening. All was going to plan but, when they came down to business, there was still no climaxing, no matter how much the young man waved the towel. Now, as you can imagine, this was starting to rile the man no end. He stormed back to the doctor. The doctor was obviously mortified that it hadn't worked so he suggested the man repeat the trick but perhaps this time he swaps roles with the escort. The man was at his wit's end so gave it one last try.

That evening, the man cooked his wife a fantastic meal. Shortly after they had finished, the escort arrived and they headed up to the bedroom. The man took up his position with the towel while his wife and the escort got down to business. Sure enough, within minutes his wife was groaning and writhing with ecstasy. The man was clearly satisfied with his work, so he lent over and whispered in the escort's ear, "You see mate, that's how you wave a fucking towel!"
Sex and Shit > Orgasm

Author: smokey
Date: Sun, 17 Jun 2007 21:24:43 +0100
Up: 64.4
Down: 5.4
Up: 82
Down: 7
Score: 993.8
540 I had a black friend once...

....before my mum sold him.
Racism > Black

Author: sickijoki
Date: Sun, 17 Jun 2007 23:51:31 +0100
Up: 105.0
Down: 18.8
Up: 145
Down: 26
Score: 1,518.2
543 There was a blackout in my street last night...

Everyone had to stay indoors until the police shot the cunt!
Racism > Pakistani

Author: beat
Date: Mon, 18 Jun 2007 00:22:04 +0100
Up: 315.6
Down: 29.2
Up: 462
Down: 42
Score: 1,634.4
625 Status Quo are going to play at the Diana memorial concert. They will be playing "Under The Influence", "Don't Drive My Car" and "Crawling From The Wreckage." Celebrity and news events > Diana

Score: 2393
631 Dodo - Dead

Di - Died

Dodi - Departed

Dando - Done for

Dido - Better bloody watch out
Celebrity and news events > Diana

Score: 379
643 What would Princess Diana be doing now if she was still alive?

Scratching the fuck out of her coffin lid.
Celebrities > Princess Diana

Author: coathanger
Date: Mon, 18 Jun 2007 19:53:25 +0100
Up: 107.0
Down: 9.8
Up: 123
Down: 13
Score: 674.4
657 What's the difference between a Mercedes and Princess Diana?

A Mercedes will easily reach 40.
Celebrities > Princess Diana

Author: coathanger
Date: Mon, 18 Jun 2007 18:59:50 +0000
Up: 28.0
Down: 4.4
Up: 28
Down: 6
Score: 6
666 A man was walking his dog through the graveyard when he saw another man crouching behind a gravestone.

"Morning!" he said.

The other man replies, "No, just having a shit."
Sex and Shit > Shit

Author: coathanger
Date: Mon, 18 Jun 2007 19:04:12 +0000
Up: 1,518.4
Down: 195.2
Up: 1620
Down: 200
Score: 783
770 When asked about his favourite childhood programme, Steve Irwin replied 'Thunderbirds was great but there'll always be a place in my heart for Stingray.' Celebrity and news events > Steve Irwin

Score: 156
808 What's black and slides down Nelson's Column?

Winnie Mandela.
Celebrity and news events > Nelson Mandela

Score: 775
940 An Irishman, Aussie and a Scouser are in a bar and spot Jesus drinking on his own.

They each send him a drink over and he sips each one slowly.

When he's finished he walks over to the Irishman and shakes his hand and thanks him for the Guinness. "Fuck me, my arthritis has gone!"

Jesus then thanks the Aussie for the Fosters. "Fucking hell mate, my bad back's cured!"

Jesus approaches the Scouser who runs away screaming, "Fuck off, you cunt - I'm on disability benefit."
Illness and Mortality > Disability

Author: cornish_breeze
Date: Mon, 18 Jun 2007 23:36:38 +0100
Up: 50.2
Down: 6.6
Up: 59
Down: 9
Score: 512.2
974 What do you do if you come across a tiger in the jungle?

Wipe it off and apologise.
Other > Wordplay
Sex and Shit > Ejaculation
Sex and Shit > Masturbation
Author: Giraffrican
Date: Tue, 19 Jun 2007 15:05:35 +0000
Up: 625.8
Down: 90.4
Up: 729
Down: 104
Score: 1164
998 David Beckham has been asked to arrange Alan Ball's funeral. At a press conference Victoria said, "David's a dead ball specialist, so it makes perfect sense." Celebrity and news events > Alan Ball

Score: 8
1000 The England football team are going to change the emblem on their shirts. The Three Lions will now become three tampons to celebrate their worst fucking period in history! Sports > Football

Author: coathanger
Date: Tue, 19 Jun 2007 18:24:09 +0100
Up: 55.6
Down: 6.6
Up: 74
Down: 9
Score: 597.6
1002 What do you do when your wife takes place next to you on the couch?

Shorten her chain.

1005 What's worse than getting raped by Jack the Ripper?

Getting fingered by Captain Hook.
Sex and Shit > Fingering

Author: Badvirus
Date: Tue, 19 Jun 2007 19:10:32 +0000
Up: 53.6
Down: 6.2
Up: 64
Down: 7
Score: 603
1044 An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks into a small town and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog. He figures he'll have a little fun.

Ventriloquist: "G'day bloke! Good looking dog, mate. Mind if I speak to him?"

Kiwi: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie."

Ventriloquist: "Hey dog, how's it going old mate?"

Dog: "Doin' alright."

The Kiwi gets a look of extreme shock on his face.

Ventriloquist: "Is this Kiwi your owner?", pointing at the Kiwi.

Dog: "Yep."

Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play."

The Kiwis expression of disbelief doesn't change.

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

Kiwi: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either...I think."

Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"

Horse: "Cool."

The Kiwi gets even more shocked.

Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?"

Horse: "Yep."

Ventriloquist: "How's he treat you?"

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."

Now the Kiwi has a look of total amazement on his face.

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

To which the Kiwi replied, "The sheep's a liar."
Racism > Kiwi

Author: immortalshadow666
Date: Wed, 20 Jun 2007 07:45:05 +0100
Up: 68.0
Down: 2.0
Up: 76
Down: 2
Score: 600.6
1052 While waiting to finalise their Australian residental status, two Afghanistani men start chatting. As they part, they agree to meet in a years time and see who has adapted better to the Australian way of life.

True to their word, they meet after the year is up. The first says to the second, "We have integrated so well...yesterday, I ate a meat pie and drank a VB while watching my son play Aussie rules, and we own a Holden VK Commodore."

The second man replies "Fuck off, ya towelhead."
Racism > Australian

Author: immortalshadow666
Date: Wed, 20 Jun 2007 08:02:43 +0100
Up: 56.4
Down: 2.0
Up: 74
Down: 2
Score: 842.8
1090 I aksed my girlfriend if she'd give me a 68 the other day...

"A 68?" she said....

"Yes, you give me a blow job and I'll owe you one!"
Celebrity and news events > Barack Obama