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Id Joke Categories Author Voting Actions
1725 Two sperms are having a race. One sperm says, "Fuck me all this swimming is knackering me, how long till we reach the womb?"

The second sperm says, "Fucking long way to go yet mate - we've only just gone past her tonsils!"
Sex and Shit > Sperm

Author: pornstar
Date: Sat, 30 Jun 2007 18:47:31 +0100
Up: 236.4
Down: 31.0
Up: 290
Down: 35
Score: 1,559.2
1780 Why is Michael Jackson always late for work?

Because he likes to come in a little behind.
Crime > Paedophilia
In The News > Celebrity Death
Celebrities > Michael Jackson
Score: 645.4
1811 Little Johnny goes into school after being absent the previous day.

His teacher demands, "Where were you yesterday?"

"I'm sorry Miss, my dad got burnt," replies Johnny.

"Oh, I'm sorry, I hope it wasn't serious." says the teacher.

To which Johnny replies, "Well, they don't fuck about at the crematorium, Miss."
Illness and Mortality > Death

Author: stu71
Date: Tue, 03 Jul 2007 10:15:06 +0100
Up: 115.8
Down: 10.6
Up: 143
Down: 13
Score: 723.2
1863 5 Blacks have been found floating down Sheffield High St.

Police have yet to confirm but they think its 'The Drifters'.
Racism > Pakistani

2002 How do you know if you have a high sperm count?

When your wife has to chew before she swallows.
Sex and shit > Sick

Score: 1
2029 A man on his way home from the pub decides to take a short-cut through an unlit park.

A woman approaches him and offers to fuck his brains out for ?5.

The man thinks to himself that this is a chance too good to miss, so hands over the ?5.

She leads him into a bush and they get under way.

A policeman happens to pass by, hears them at it and notices the bush shaking.

He approaches, shines his torch on the pair and asks the man what he's doing.

The man replies calmly, "I'm just having sex with my wife, officer. Do you mind?"

The officer responds, "I'm sorry, sir, I didn't realise it was your wife."

The man quickly replies, "That's quite alright, officer - until you shone your torch on her face, neither did I."
Sex and Shit > Prostitutes

Author: Essehm
Date: Sat, 07 Jul 2007 14:22:38 +0100
Up: 85.6
Down: 6.2
Up: 104
Down: 7
Score: 926.8
2046 Madonna has jumped on the Green bandwagon.

She was heard at Live Earth recycling a load of old shit.
Celebrity and news events > Live Earth

2059 A couple were in their bedroom and the girl says to her boyfriend, 'I wish I had bigger tits'. The boyfriend says 'well what I recommend is to get some toilet tissue and rub it between your tits for 2 months'. 'How will that help to make my tits bigger?' asks the girlfriend.

'Well it worked for your ass' says the boyfriend.
Sex and shit > Young girls

2202 Two tramps walk past a church and start to read the gravestones.

The first tramp stops at one stone and says: "Bloody hell! This bloke was 152!"

"Oh yeah?" says the other tramp.

"What was his name?"

"Miles from London."

Religion and racism > Irish

Score: 516
A bloke goes into an antique shop and asks how much the brass cat in the window is. The owner says, "?50 for the cat and ?50 for its story."

The bloke says he'll just have the cat and sets off home.

As he leaves the shop, a cat starts following him, then ten cats, then a hundred cats, then a thousand cats, so he hoys the brass cat in the river and all the other cats dive in after it.

The bloke goes back to the shop and the owner says, "Back [...]

Racism > All Races

Score: 1,026.8
2239 A woman was in the bath when the doorbell rang, so she got out, put on a bathrobe and went to answer the door.

At the door was her husband's golf partner, Jim.

"I'm afraid my husband's not in" she said.

"Oh well!", said Jim, "Say, you look very nice in that robe. How about giving me a quick flash?"

"No!", cried the woman, "What would my husband say?"

"Oh go on!", pleaded Jim, "Just a quick flash and I'll give you 50, no, 100 quid"

The woman is tempted, but still refuses.

"Ok, Ok, my final offer. Flash me for 10 seconds and I'll give you 200 quid"

The woman thinks about it, nods, opens her robe for 10 seconds and closes it quickly.

Jim smiles and hands over £200 in cash, before walking off whistling.

Later that evening, the husband asks "Did Jim call round for me earlier?"

"Erm, yes.", replied the wife nervously.

"Oh good - did he give you that £200 he owes me?"
Sex and Shit > Wife

Author: Weetobix
Date: Thu, 12 Jul 2007 09:57:52 +0100
Up: 69.4
Down: 0.2
Up: 91
Down: 1
Score: 1,018.2
2245 A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes that it, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini. The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long - but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill." The customer replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, I know it's time to go home." Sex and Shit > Wife

Author: ht
Date: Thu, 12 Jul 2007 12:31:13 +0000
Up: 44.0
Down: 2.0
Up: 52
Down: 2
Score: 754.4
2299 An old man was in hospital. Lying in bed, he leaned over to the pretty young nurse attending to him and whispered in her ear

"Give us a kiss, luv!"

"No!", replied the nurse

"Oh go on!", said the man

"No!", replied the nurse again

"Please!", begged the old man, "Just a quick peck on the cheek?"

"For the last time, no!", said the nurse, "I shouldn't even be wanking you off!"
Other > Professions
Sex and Shit > Handjob
Sex and Shit > Uniform
Author: Weetobix
Date: Fri, 13 Jul 2007 09:01:48 +0000
Up: 152.0
Down: 4.6
Up: 180
Down: 7
Score: 3,385.2
2300 A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts."She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer. When he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start." This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer. When it was gone, he said, "Quick, another beer, it's gonna start any second." "That's it!" She blows her top, "You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?" The husband sighed. "Oh shit, it's started"

2303 I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic warden shouted to me...

"Oi, what's your disability?"

I said "Tourettes! Now fuck off you cunt!"

2365 Just been to my first Muslim birthday party. The musical chairs was a bit slow, but fuck me the pass the parcel was quick! Religion and racism > Muslim

Author: ht
Date: Sun, 15 Jul 2007 11:52:48 +0000
Up: 966.4
Down: 85.4
Up: 1252
Down: 111
Score: 4,432
2411 A man and woman were having marital problems so they went to see a marriage counsellor.

The counsellor, in an attempt to find some common ground from which to begin his analysis said, "Tell me about anything the two of you have in common." The husband spoke up and said, "Well, neither one of us sucks dicks."
Sex and shit > Blow Job
Sex and shit > Marriage
Score: 704.2
2457 Freddie Mercury, Versace and Princess Di arrive at the Pearly gates. St Peter explains that only one can get through and that they each have to put forward their case for entry.

Freddie says "I know I haven't led a perfect life and I've made some mistakes along the way, but I've made some of the most beautiful music in the world. I'll stand at the back of heaven, and serenade everybody with my wondrous songs, making heaven a far happier place to be."

"Pretty good, Fred" said St Peter, "what about you Gianni?"

Versace says, "I make the most beautiful clothes in the world. I'll completely redesign the fashions up here, from the archangels to the cherubs to the choirboys. As you well know Pete if you look good you will feel good and that will make heaven a much happier place"

"Not bad" says St Peter. "What about you Di?"

Diana doesn't say a word, instead she lifts up her skirt and pulls down her knickers, inserts a full bottle of Evian water into her arse, lets the water shoot up inside her and then gush out all over the floor.

"Excellent, you're in" says St Peter.

"Hold on a fucking minute" says Freddie "She didn't even say anything"

"Bollocks, Fred you know the rules" says St Peter, "A royal flush beats a pair of Queens..."
Celebrity and news events > Diana

Score: 169
2465 Patient: "Doctor, doctor! I feel like a pair of curtains!"

Doctor: "That's the least of your problems... You have AIDS."
Other > Professions

Author: Insert username
Date: Tue, 17 Jul 2007 19:23:12 +0100
Up: 23.8
Down: 9.2
Up: 31
Down: 10
Score: 569.6
2535 Little Johnny was sitting in class doing maths problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question.

"Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun how many would be left?"

"None," replied Johnny, "'Cause the rest would fly away."

"Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "But I like the way you are thinking."

Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you now; If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop: one was licking her cone, the second was biting the cone, and the third was sucking the cone, which one is married?"

"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone?"

"No," said Little Johnny, "The one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you are thinking."
Other > Little Johnny
Politics > Education
Author: bennycmufc
Date: Wed, 18 Jul 2007 22:27:12 +0100
Up: 162.4
Down: 15.4
Up: 192
Down: 17
Score: 740.4