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Id Joke Categories Author Voting Actions
2544 There was a boy praying at night and he said, "God bless mummy, daddy, grampa, and good-bye uncle Fred."

The next day uncle Fred died tragically by getting hit by a mac truck.

So the next night at prayer time, the boy said, "God bless mummy, daddy, and good-bye grampa."

The next day, grampa was playing golf and was hit by lightning and then was dragged out to the 18th hole and he died.

The next night people were getting real worried. At prayer time the boy said, "God bless mummy and good-bye daddy."

Well, the next day the father was especially careful and when he got home, his wife was crying.

He asked, "Honey, what's wrong?"

She said, "The postman is lying dead on the front porch!"
Illness and Mortality > Death

Author: ht
Date: Thu, 19 Jul 2007 09:27:08 +0100
Up: 73.2
Down: 10.0
Up: 90
Down: 10
Score: 1,066.8
View
2620 What does spinach and anal sex have in common?



If you were forced to have it as a kid, you'll hate it as an adult.
Sex and shit > Paedophilia

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2646 A guy walks into an elevator and stands next to a beautiful woman. After a few minutes he turns to her and says, "can I smell your pussy?"



The woman looks at him in disgust and says, "certainly not!"



"Hmmm," he replies. "It must be your feet then".
Sex and Shit > Vagina

Author: ht
Date: Sat, 21 Jul 2007 13:15:23 +0100
Up: 66.8
Down: 11.2
Up: 78
Down: 12
Score: 677.6
View
2648 A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around eight PM. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been!" demanded his wife when he entered the house.

"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."

The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You fucking lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"
Sex and shit > Sex

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2653 What's the difference between Paris Hilton and a bowling ball?

You can only get three fingers into a bowling ball!


View
2785 Why Don't black people go on Cruises



They're not falling for that one again !
Religion and racism > Blacks

Score: 1526
View
2788 Anyway, a family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen. Embarrassed, and to spare her young sons' innocence, the mother turns around and says "Don't worry. That was an insect."

To which one of the boys replies "I'm suprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that!"
Sex and shit > Dildo

Score: 48
View
2805 A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter.



Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them.... they are bound to be curious about sex at that age."



"Curious about sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her fucking appendix out!"
Illness and mortality > Children
Other > Little Johnny
Author: bobbydgg
Date: Tue, 24 Jul 2007 17:49:04 +0000
Up: 2,676.2
Down: 9,280.6
Up: 3193
Down: 1690
Score: 9,280.6
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2810 Mummy takes little Johnny to the zoo. As they pass the elephant cage, the elephant has an erection.



"What's that, Mummy?" asks the child.

"Nothing, Johnny, nothing," says the embarrassed mother, swiftly leading him on.



A week later Johnny's dad takes him and the same happens. "What's that, Daddy?"

"That, son, is the elephant's penis."

"Mummy said it was nothing."

"Your mother's spoilt, Son!"
Sex and shit > Penis

Score: 48
View
2826 A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile and a pyromaniac are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution, bored out of their minds.

"How about having sex with a cat?" asked the zoophile.

"Let's have sex with the cat and then torture it," says the sadist.

"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it and then kill it," shouted the murderer.

"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it and then have sex with it again," said the necrophile.

"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it, have sex with it again and then burn it," said the pyromaniac.

Silence fell... then everyone turned to the masochist and asked:

"So, what's it gonna be?"

To which he replied, "Meow!"
Sex and Shit > Necrophiliac

Author: ht
Date: Wed, 25 Jul 2007 10:08:31 +0100
Up: 183.0
Down: 18.4
Up: 215
Down: 20
Score: 1,178.8
View
2852 What's the difference between purple and pink?



The grip.
Sex and Shit > Penis

Author: ht
Date: Wed, 25 Jul 2007 17:06:39 +0100
Up: 26.2
Down: 5.0
Up: 31
Down: 5
Score: 618.2
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2859 This guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender to get him a beer.

The bartender asks, "Which one?"

The guy says, "Any one, as long as its not Carling."

The bartender then asks, "What's wrong with Carling?"

So the guy says, "Nothing, its just the last time I drank Carling I went home and blew chunks!"

So the bartender says, "That's what happens when you have too much beer"



So the guy says, "No, you don't understand. My dog's name is Chunks."
Sex and Shit > Animals

Author: sick puppy
Date: Wed, 25 Jul 2007 16:54:09 +0000
Up: 59.0
Down: 17.2
Up: 75
Down: 18
Score: 2,614.2
View
2986
A guy sitting at a bar at Heathrow Terminal 3 noticed a really beautiful woman sitting next to him.



He thought to himself: "Wow, she's so gorgeous she must be an off duty flight attendant. But which airline does she work for?"



Hoping to pick her up, he leaned towards her and uttered the Delta slogan:



"Love to fly and it shows?"



She gave him a blank, confused stare and he immediately thought to himself:



[...]



TV > Adverts

Score: 727
View
3013 A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, while conscious, he motioned for her to come nearer.



As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes filling with tears.

"You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times: When i got fired, you comforted me. When my business failed, you supported us both. When I got shot, you nursed me back to health. When we lost the house, you endured living in a shabby rented flat.



Now my health has started failing and you are still right by my side... You know what?"



"What dear?" She gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.



"I think you're bad luck, why don't you just fuck off."
Illness and Mortality > Death

Author: Hercules Poirot
Date: Fri, 27 Jul 2007 17:45:29 +0000
Up: 56.0
Down: 4.4
Up: 68
Down: 6
Score: 833.6
View
3083 If you see a black man on a bike, why shouldn't you run him over?





It might be your bike
Religion and racism > Blacks

Score: 99
View
3095 What's the difference between a Jew and a pizza?





A pizza doesn't scream in the oven.
Religion and racism > Jewish

Score: 9
View
3099 When does a Black man turn into a nigger?





As soon as he leaves the room.
Religion and racism > Blacks

Score: 92
View
3122 Lulu was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to know. One day, the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party in a hotel, and Lulu was among them. The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes line up along the driveway when suddenly, Lulu's grandma came by and saw her granddaughter.

Grandma asked, "Why are you standing in line here, dear?"

Not willing to let her grandmother know the truth, Lulu told her grandmother that the policemen were there passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some.

"Why, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself," and she proceeded to the back of the line.

A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all of the prostitutes.

When he got to Grandma, he was bewildered ! and exclaimed "Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it? "

"I just take my dentures out, rip the skin back and suck them dry..."







The policeman fainted.
Sex and shit > Prostitution

Score: 10
View
3123 A prostitute went to visit a colleague in the hospital just before she was about to have a heart transplant.

The woman, concerned about her friend's welfare, went up to the surgeon who was going to perform the operation and said, "Doctor, I'm worried about my friend. What if her body rejects the organ?"

The doctor replied, "Well, she's 34 years old and is in extremely good health, apart from her heart. How long has she been in the business?"

The patient's friend replied, "She's been working since she was 18 years old, but what's that got to do with anything?"

"Well," said the doctor, "if she's been working for 16 years and hasn't rejected an organ, I don't think she's about to start now!"
Sex and shit > Prostitution

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3125 A man, getting along in years, finds that he is unable to perform sexually. He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work. Finally, as a last hope, the doctor refers him to an African medicine man. The medicine man says, "I can cure this."

With that said, he throws a white powder into a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke.

Then he says, "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say '123,' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"

The man then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue?" The medicine man replies, "When your partner can take no more sex and is completely raddled, all she has to say is '1234', and it will then go down. But be warned, the pork sword will not rise again for another year."

The old gent rushes home, anxious to try out his new powers. That night he showers, shaves and smothers himself in aftershave. He slides into bed, cuddles up to his wife, says "123" and suddenly he has the most gigantic stiffie ever, just as the medicine man promised.



His wife turns over and asks, "What did you say '123' for?"
Sex and shit > Sex

Score: 900
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