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Id Joke Categories Author Voting Actions
4374
Ralph came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.

He awoke before the Pearly Gates where St.Peter said, "You died in your sleep, Ralph."

Ralph was stunned. "I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!"

St. Peter said, "I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken."

Ralph was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a [...]



Other > Food and Drink

Score: 547
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4408 A woman buys a wall mirror from B&Q. The attendant says "Would you like a screw for that?" She replies "No, but I'd suck your cock for a Lawnmower!" Jokes with no home > Not Sure

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4456 Why is the Bible like a penis?



You get it forced down your throat by a priest.
Religion and racism > Priest

Score: 2164
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4513 A man and a woman went to court disputing over custody of their child.



The Judge asked the woman to rise and argue her case.



"I went through all the pain undergoing labour and I see no reason why the child's custody should not be handed to me", she pleaded.



The man replied, "Your Honour, let me put it this way. If you put a pound in a vending machine and a coke drops out, who's would it be... the machines or yours?"
Other > Family

Score: 479.8
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4608 Dictionary For Womens Personal Ads



40ish ..................... 49

Adventurous ............... Slept with all your mates

Athletic .................. No Tits

Average looking ........... Has a face like an arse

Beautiful ................. Pathological liar

Contagious smile .......... Does a lot of pills

Educated .................. Fucked to death at college

Emotionally secure ........ On medication

Feminist .................. Fat

Friendship first .......... Former slut/born again virgin

Fun ....................... Annoying

Gentle .................... Dull

Good listener ............. Autistic

New Age ................... Body hair problems

Old fashioned ............. No blow jobs or anal

Open minded ............... Desperate

Outgoing .................. Loud and embarrassing

Passionate ................ Sloppy drunk

Poet ...................... Depressive

Professional .............. Bitch

Romantic .................. Frigid

Social .................... Fanny like a clowns pocket

Voluptuous ................ Very fat

Large lady ................ Hugely Fat

Wants soul-mate............ Stalker

Widow ..................... Murderer
Sex and Shit > Women

Author: Queslett50
Date: Fri, 31 Aug 2007 20:27:29 +0000
Up: 114.0
Down: 5.2
Up: 134
Down: 6
Score: 1,151.8
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4610 Why did God create women ?



To carry semen from the bedroom to the toilet


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4627 An old married couple are attending church one Sunday morning when half way through the vicars sermon the wife says to the husband, "I've just let out a long, sweaty, silent fart, what should I do?"

The husband replies, "You should replace the battery in your fucking hearing aid!"
Illness and Mortality > Disability
Sex and Shit > Farting
Author: make_a_brew
Date: Sat, 01 Sep 2007 09:20:24 +0100
Up: 77.2
Down: 14.4
Up: 90
Down: 16
Score: 910.6
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4682 Two pikeys, Jimmy and Maggie, finally get married and Maggie says, "Hey, Jimmy, does this mean we're not brother and sister anymore?"



"It sure does Maggie, but we'll fuck like we were."
Religion and racism > Pikeys

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4696 British weather: it's just like a Muslim; either Sunni or Shi'ite. Racism > ??? Other

Author: pornstar
Date: Mon, 03 Sep 2007 12:35:11 +0100
Up: 365.8
Down: 66.6
Up: 477
Down: 85
Score: 2,325.2
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4776 Little Johnny walks into his parents bedroom to find his Dad giving his Mum one. His Dad smirks and throws a pillow at the door saying, "Get outta here, you little shit!"



A couple of hours later Dad hears a whole lot of commotion coming from little Johnny's bedroom. He goes up to find little Johnny giving his Grandma a right royal seeing to.



Little Johnny smiles, "It's not so fucking funny when it's your Mum, is it?"
Sex and shit > Incest

Score: 195
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4814 A black man takes a girl home from a nightclub. She says "Show me it's true what they say about black men"... So he stabbed her and nicked her purse. Religion and racism > Blacks

Score: 2
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4835 What have prostitutes and bowling balls got in common?



They're both found in alleys
Sex and shit > Prostitution

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4838 Did you hear about the magic tractor?



It turned into a field.
Other > ??? General

Score: 572
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5033 How do you know when Mystic Meg is on her period?



You get your palm red.
Sex and shit > Periods
Other > Psychics
Score: 269.2
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5049 Why do women have boobs?



So ya got somethin to look at while you're talking to em


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5052
It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted the butcher with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it?

Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed.

He had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I`ll be 16 tomorrow.& [...]



Other > Family

Score: 12
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5120 New car being launched in Portugal, space in the boot for a child. It's called the Renault McCann. Celebrity and news events > Madeleine McCann

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5157 What's the difference between the McCanns and other parents?



When other parents bury their kid in sand at the beach for a laugh, they dig them back out afterwards.
Celebrity and news events > Maddie

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5259 A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was:"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a huge failure...

In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.

In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.

In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.

In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.

In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.

In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.

And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant
Racism > All Races

Score: 700
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5365 "Won't you kiss me, Doctor," asks a beautiful woman.

"No, it would be against my code of ethics," says the doctor.

"Please just one kiss," begs the woman.

"It's completely out of the question," he goes on. "I shouldn't even really be having sex with you."
Jokes with no home > Doctors Jokes

Score: 4
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